My Secrets to Marital Longevity

Most Marriages Fail. The first three words the priest uttered during his sermon at my wedding ceremony (9 years ago this week!). The sermon included other words but I don’t remember them because I got so stuck on the first three. I was thinking: Why is the priest, the guy who is about to unite M and I for life, talking about divorce? I mean this is the day I’m supposed to feel that my relationship is invincible. Rainbows, unicorns and heart shaped cheesecakes are floating around in my head as I think about the happiness we’re going to cultivate all the days of our lives.

Geez that priest…what a party pooper.

I mean the reality is, break-ups, separations and divorces really are common. I mean first Brad and Jen, then Gwen and Gavin and then Brad and Angelina—I mean can nobody stay faithful and in love anymore?!

It got me thinking about what’s kept M and I together all this time? We all know that love is powerful; poets, songwriters, philosophers have all told us so. And I’m not about to defy The Beatles but, is love really all you need?

I’m by no means an expert on marriage. M and I have only been married for 9 years. And to be honest, I felt like I knew pretty early on in our relationship that I wanted to be with him forever. But I mostly got married at the age of 25 because I wanted to live with him and I wanted to spare my conservative mother  a heart attack—which meant I had to marry him first. I have no regrets and while I get anxious deciding what earrings I should wear on any given day, my relationship with Maciej gives me no anxiety. I am 100% sure that I am waking up and living with the right person every day of my life.

What is our secret? Hmmmm…if I knew I’d have written a bestselling book on marriage by now. The truth is, I don’t think we do anything extra special to maintain our relationship. I think we’re naturally compatible, which helped a lot. Thank you God, kismet, serendipity and Lady Luck for having us run into each other that one day years ago. But if I had to come up with some things that we actively do that have kept us together then these are them and I thought that you might find them helpful in your relationships too…

1. Shared Interests: A major part of compatibility is having similar interests. It is these common likes that fuel great conversation and set up amazing adventures. Those interests are the things that draw you to one another but what is keeping that magnetism alive? Make sure you keep discovering new things together and that you’re open to sharing in new hobbies, interests and activities. Before I met M, I didn’t like watching tennis and I thought mountain biking was too scary for me. Now I’m the one reminding him when a tennis match is on and I’ve biked 200km through Mexican mountains. M never dreamed of going to a yoga class but now he’s the one pushing me to come with him. Being open to doing new things together adds interest and makes your partner feel appreciated.
2. Routine: After I’ve just talked about the importance of doing new things, I can’t stress how important a routine is as well. M and I feel it when we veer from a typical week—we’re more tired and less connected. Plan for Saturday morning coffee dates, Friday night sushi, Meatless Mondays, Wednesday night ice cream. Always share a square of chocolate after dinner, always have a quick breakfast together before running out the door. Whatever it is, choose some things that are always done at the same time in the same way. Routine grounds and nurtures us and if you’re in a monogamous relationship it’s because you want to feel innately connected to another person…routine helps with that.
3. Snuggling: Skin to skin contact is a highly underestimated tool in humanity’s arsenal. Physical touch is an extremely powerful tool initiating the release of feel good hormones and reducing stress. In babies, skin to skin contact regulates breathing, maintains normal body temperature and overall results in better outcomes especially in premature babies. Make time to hug, to touch, to feel each other’s skin as much as you can, it only takes a second and it keeps the chemistry alive.
4. Openness: There are no off-limits topics in our relationship. We tell each other how we feel no matter how difficult it might be to say or to hear. The key to having an open relationship is that the communication is fuelled by respect. We never insult one another and we try to be as constructive as possible. If yelling is necessary (mostly by me; it’s my Portuguese heritage’s fault) then we let it all hang out and then we work together to pick up the pieces. This applies to talking about feelings of attraction you might have to others as well. If I flirted with someone or was soaking up some attention by someone else then I tell M about it. It keeps him on his toes and it makes sure that we honour the relationship and our commitment to each other at all times.
5. Space: As much as shared interests and physical touch, routine and telling each other everything are important, giving each other space is also crucial. Have joint life goals and personal goals. Have your own interests that give you joy on your own. Hang out with your friends without your partner. Plan time alone for your own thoughts and needs. It makes shared time even sweeter when you’ve had some time to yourself.

Now it’s your turn…to all you partnered up folks, what are some tips to long lasting love? Leave your wisdom in a comment below.