3 Ways to Stop People Pleasing

As a recovering people pleaser, super-friend and do-it-all mama, I love helping other women disconnect from the everyday hustle and connect more deeply with themselves.

Are you constantly over-scheduling yourself and then feeling exhausted afterward?

Do your friends and family call you and expect you to drop your plans and listen/help them?

Do you often do things out of guilt only to later resent the person you did it for?

If so, I get it—navigating all of this has been such a huge part of my journey. In order to help you break free from exhaustion, guilt and resentment, I compiled a few mindset shifts that have helped me immensely:

1. Express appreciation rather than apologizing. This has been such a huge shift for me. As someone who endeavours to always be there for others, it’s been hard for me to ask for and accept help. I used to start or end most of my sentences with a “sorry” (which is so Canadian of me). I started to notice this practice and realized that my apologies weren’t really that sincere; they were really just a way that I criticized myself for not doing “enough” or for not being able to “do it all”. I started to bring some mindfulness to my apologies and if I wasn’t truly sorry and/or the inconvenience wasn’t really within my control, I didn’t apologize. I expressed appreciation instead. It goes something like this:

   Apology: Sorry, I’m late. The traffic was so bad and I probably should have left earlier.

   Appreciation: Thank you so much for waiting for me. I’m so glad we still have time to hang out.

   Apologizing less is beneficial both for you and the other person. Now the other person doesn’t have to reassure you that it’s all okay. You can both just dive right into the activity/conversation/fun stuff.

2. Banish “I should” from your self talk: Thinking that we “should” do something is a statement dripping with guilt and obligation. Doing things from this place, whether they be a phone call to a sick friend even though you’re really tired or saying yes to another volunteering opportunity even though you really just want to start working out again, is a sure road to resentment and irritability. Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes the kindest thing we can do is to be there for someone even though we’re tired or overwhelmed ourselves. I invite you to drop the should and choose something more empowering:

   Rather than: “Oh no, it’s 10pm and I really should make my famous homemade cookies for the work potluck tomorrow, everyone loves them and it will look bad if I show up with store bought.”

   Say something like: “Wow, it’s 10pm. The day really got away from me. I’m sure everyone would love my cookies tomorrow but I just don’t have the energy. I’ll try to pick up some special cookies from the local bakery tomorrow.”

   See how the latter statement acknowledges that people might be disappointed but it also honours your personal energy level? Also see how the second statement doesn’t mean you just give up and buy the shittiest cookies at the grocery store. You can’t put in maximal energy and bake but you can still be thoughtful and buy some special cookies from a bakery. Bam, you took back some of your power.

3. “Let the first impulse pass,wait for the second” ~Baltasar Gracian: this is one of my favourite quotes. I love it because it encourages me to slow down and find space. As a fiery taurus, I have a tendency to be quick with my tongue. As a result, I tend to overcommit and say yes when I really mean to say no. I want to avoid conflict and disappointment, so when somebody asks me for something, I usually respond by giving them the answer they want to hear. Oh you do that too?

   Let’s stop k?

   When someone asks you for a favour or to commit to their 17th annual fundraiser on the world’s busiest weekend for you, don’t give an answer. Here are a few time buyers to keep on the tip of your tongue:

   That sounds like a great event. I’m pretty sure I have something that weekend so let me check and I’ll get back to you.

   I’d love to help. Let me check with my partner/work/family and get back to you.

   Once you’ve practiced these, you’ll have more courage to be honest and set hard limits which sounds more like:

   I’d love to help but I actually can’t do anything else that week, I’ll be too exhausted.

   That sounds like a great event, but it’s just too busy of a week for me so I’ll have to miss it.

   I know it seems scary, it was/is for me too. And people probably will be angry or hurt some of the time. I encourage you to notice this and if your boundary setting causes people in your life to repeatedly feel angry or disappointed, you have to ask yourself how fair that is to you. Is it fair for people who love you to expect you to constantly sacrifice your time and energy beyond what you are capable of? If not, you have to put up with a certain level of angry and hurt reactions and see how the relationship evolves.

The greatest take away within these three mindset shifts is that you are allowed to protect your energy and love in before you love out. I want to remind you that your most important job is to take care of your energy—nobody else is going to do that for you. Taking care of yourself and pouring love into yourself and your wellbeing is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.